Of course I can't really ask if it's PMS because I don't "M" anymore.
I do have the ovaries though, so I get all of the emotional mood-swings without the monthly reminder that they're transient. Kinda sucks.
My husband has hardly spoken to me in three days (which was challenging because we spent most of that time with family) and it's got me completely on edge.
There are days when I feel like forget loving me, he doesn't even particularly like me I speak, he rolls his eyes. I ask a question, he answers it like I don't have an active brain cell in my head.
He has mood swings when it comes to my participation in this race -- but right now, he's on the "Why should I be proud of you? You haven't done anything yet?" swing.
I said -- "well, I'm working toward something that is cool and extraordinary. I'm planning to do something that most people can't do."
He rolled his eyes and said "Except the thousands of people who do it every year."
I replied "yes, Thousands -- out of the millions of people in the US. a few thousand take the time and have the motivation to get into the kind of shape they need to be in to complete this race. It's not something the average person off the street can walk up and do. I can't do it without training. You can't do it without training."
He said "I did it in boot camp. What do you mean I can't do it?"
And here is where I know he's wrong. He can't just get up off the sofa and run a ten mile race . . . but HE believes he can, and since he has no desire to try, HE won't consider that it might actually be difficult, and since HE will neither try it (thus learning that it's not as easy as he thinks it is) nor will he re-examine his own flawed beliefs about how difficult it is . . . he has no respect for the efforts I am making.
AND, when I complete it, that means his response is going to be "well, it can't be all that difficult if you did it."
There is no winning here. If I finish the race, then he will say he's right and it's just not a big deal -- easy peasy. If I don't, then he is right and I am trying to do something that is stupid and I'm just going to get hurt.
Either way, all efforts I make toward this are marginalized and trivialized.
What's more, when I tell him that's how I feel, he says "well, you're not doing this for me. You say you're doing it for you, so it shouldn't matter to you that I think it's stupid."
And every month, I keep asking myself -- am I making excuses for him? Have I built him up in my mind into a good kind man who loves me and respects me and am I in love with the man I've invented instead of the real man I married?
But each month, it also seems very tied to my own emotional highs and lows. So I'm sure a little of both is true. I think I probably do make excuses for a man who is less emotionally available than I like . . . and I think I'm also feeling very sensitive about that so it bothers me more right now than it does at other times.
I wish I could see this clearly. Right now it's all emotion.
Oh Beth, I wish I had seen this earlier. I'm going to tackle it issue by issue. Here goes :)
ReplyDeleteYes, you still have hormones playing tackle football inside your body every month. Yes, you're going to be a bit (ha ha) more sensitive. But...you are being more sensitive about the things that have an effect on you as opposed to making something out of nothing.
Your husband doesn't speak much when he's with your family. You already know that he is intimidated by them/feels inferior/has issues with the fact that you were raised in what he considers a "wealthy family". He's going to be quiet.
As for rolling his eyes and speaking to you as if you don't have a single active brain cell that lights up, I am so used to this and know exactly just how awful it feels. It feels awful. This is the one person that should always make you feel good no matter what. I know what it feels like when you speak and he doesn't. I know that I shut down completely at times because it's better than the pain it causes.
Aside from the fact that you have taken on a humungous physical challenge that anyone would have to train for over a period of months, your accident left you with additional challenges that you are overcoming. You know that so much of the population couldn't begin to do what you have set out to do. You can do this. You will do this - with or without his support. I don't know where it's coming from, but always remember that you are doing something great. You really are.
As for Nick not acknowledging just how taxing this race is, perhaps he is intimidated by the fact that you can - and will - do what you set your mind to. This is scary for men, and emotionally unavailable men in particular. It's terrifying to them that they could lose what they need most - us. If he negates the tremendous effort/difficulty/commitment that you have made, then it doesn't exist for him. That's his comfort level - let him have it. You own this, and that is your reality. Let it be so. Fred hasn't said much of anything at all, and I'm pretty sure it's the Lucy Ricardo theory that I make rash decisions that are not good for me. Here's the secret, though: I know what's best for me and what he or anyone else does not matter. Just as you see this as a personal challenge, so do I. We will need all of the physical, emotional and intellectual strength that we can muster for this. Don't let him plant seeds in your mind. You are so strong, and you need to let that be the script.
Your're right about there being no winning. I left the family room at 8:00 p.m. last night and went to the bedroom to be by myself because I was about to hop into a situation where there was no winner - just a heated argument waiting to happen. Here's the deal: Not 'if I finish', but 'when I finish', it's a huge deal. If something happens and you get hurt, you will lie on your deathbed as an old lady and tell yourself that at least you tried. Ultimately, that's what's important. The medal is the gravy.
Do not let your efforts feel marginalized and trivialized - it's huge what we're doing. I am here for you. Call me/text me/email me/write to me here/Facebook message me.
You are doing this for you. Yes, it would be wonderful if he were to be supportive, but he's not capable of it. I know this because I live this as well. They can only do so much, because the fear of feeling something that may be painful overwhelms and scares them.
I know your question so well. I ask myself the same thing. I can't discuss it here, but we will in 7 weeks.
I love you, egg mate.
I think Nick goes through moods the same way I do. Some days he feels left out or threatened or insecure and those are the says when he is in the "you don't need to work out, pay attention to me." moods.
ReplyDeleteOther days he likes the idea that being healthy is something we can do together and he goes to the gym with me, or (as we have done the past few days) take a four mile walk/run around Reid Park.
He's never been one to have a filter -- and sometimes says things before he realizes they're hurtful . . . but again, most of the time I believe this is true. Sometimes I believe he doesn't have a filter because he just doesn't want to bother with giving a damn about how anyone else feels. Hard to tell which is the prevalent reason, and some days both seem true.
My hormonal self is feeling calmer though, and since that is the only thing I can really influence, I'm glad.
Thanks for the kind words and as always, thank you for the encouragement.
<3
We can do this.
Yes. We can and we will.
ReplyDelete